The Gestalt of the Day

6.20.2023

I woke up yesterday and took a LONG deep breath. I was taught to always focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t, but grief challenges that line of thinking in a way that is very uncomfortable for me. It’s hard to experience important milestones like my daughter’s high school graduation and not wallow in some self pity that my dad was cheated out of sharing that joyous moment since he reveled in her academic successes and was enamored with her early passion for medicine. He would have deeply cherished the gestalt (his favorite word to describe the totality of a scene around him) of the day—picture perfect blue skies, smiles of tremendous achievement, highly-regarded speakers imparting thought-provoking lessons, a love-filled lunch and a delicious and festive celebratory cake. He would have called me at the end of the day to tell me how “just spectacular” (another one of his favorite descriptors) it was, how he loved sharing it with us, how fabulous he thinks my kids are (not that he was a bias grandfather) and how lucky he was…he always focused on how lucky he felt. So, amidst the hole in my heart, I consciously tried to channel his words and feel lucky that day. And, I did. 

And then it was Father’s Day. Leading up to the weekend I was on edge, cranky and tense. The anticipation of how that day would feel was overwhelming. I played my dad’s words of wisdom over and over in my head. After losing his own father while in college, we had witnessed his ability to miss his dad but relish all that he did have. I was told over and over that the “first” is the hardest and it gets easier over time. I wanted time to speed up, I wanted to skip the first and not have to feel that deep and raw pain all over again. I simply didn’t want to face what I didn’t have, that my loving, adoring, supportive and effusively enthusiastic father was not here on Father’s Day. 

But, the truth is, I don’t just miss him on Father’s Day, or at my daughter’s graduation, I miss him for the one million little moments throughout any given day that I know would make him smile and fill him up. So while I felt so incredibly loved and supported by family and friends who were kind enough to reach out to me and acknowledge the difficulty of the day, I can honestly say, the actual day felt much better than the anticipation of the holiday. Perhaps other people in my situation feel the same. But, I think a lot of it comes back to the mindset that was ingrained in us—focus on what you do have, not what you don’t. And that really can apply to everyone in every aspect of life.

My best friend lovingly suggested staying off of social media for the day. When she first said it, I didn’t think much about it. And as I picked up my phone and began seeing some posts, I remembered her cautionary advice. I put my phone down and vowed not to scroll the rest of the day. What a freeing pledge. MOOD ALTERING. GAME CHANGING. 

I’ve typically been someone who enjoyed using social media to stay “connected” to a broader social network than my immediate community. Personally, I enjoy seeing vacation pictures and reading about happy achievements. Prior to this weekend, scrolling through social media was always fairly relaxing to me, but it was different on Sunday for those few minutes. I felt a wave of self pity wash over me and tears immediately filled my eyes as I read a beautiful tribute to an 85 year old father. I instantly thought about how my Dad was robbed of those additional nine years. In a matter of a few moments I was focusing on all of the wrong things and spiraling into a mindset of negativity and inferiority. It happened so easily. 

AND SO IT GOES…our ability to approach any challenge is all about our mindset. It becomes exponentially harder to avoid wallowing or feeling “less than” when you allow things seen on social media platforms to infiltrate your emotions. I learned a hugely valuable lesson about simply filtering out the inputs that would trigger me to feel extra sad about what I don’t have on Father’s Day. Instead, I was able to fully focus on what I do have—a loving husband who is an incredible father to our two children and the blessing of my mother, aunt, brother and his family in town to commemorate a memorial we created for our dad. As we sat on this newly erected bench in his honor, we all smiled through our tears because the gestalt of the day was as if he designed it for us—the sun was glistening off the water, boaters were out enjoying the day, kids were playing in the sand and his family was reminiscing about the years we spent together on the water with him, on his boat. Those days were filled with laughter, love and sometimes a little yelling because we could never get out early enough for him. We acknowledged the unfairness of his absence on Sunday, but we spent much more time talking about all that we shared and how lucky we were that he was our father and grandfather. So, the day was what we made it. As the sun set that evening, I turned to my mother and brother and proclaimed that the day actually felt special to me. They both agreed. Of course we wish it was different, but that is life. We each have the power to make a conscious effort to create our own narrative around a challenge. I went back to the bench alone today and shed a few tears as I watched the boats. That is grief, it doesn’t know that yesterday was the Hallmark holiday. So, when you find yourself having a hard time, remember to take a deep breath, avoid the Instagram intrusion and seek something to make you smile! It’s a powerful trifecta!