Let Them!

1.3.2025

As I stood on the shoreline watching the newborn turtles move towards the incoming waves, it felt more profound than a simple act of witnessing a lifecycle moment in nature. After all, to everyone else it appeared to be an awesome and exciting site to watch these little babies crawl towards the impending waves and be swept out into the ocean. The first day of the rest of their lives; we watched as they each began their individual journey of exploration and survival. I turned to my best friend Dana, who was witnessing this moment too, and shared my overwhelming sadness. She concurred, but we were quickly reminded by our adult children that this is nature and it’s actually an amazing moment in their circle of life. And then it hit me, easy for them to say, they aren’t the ones who have launched their own babies into the world. Obviously it’s invigorating to watch your child’s solo adventure unfold, but it pulls at your heart too. Standing in the sand watching the turtles begin their life of independence was a metaphor for me; my own moment of realization that I must more comfortably embrace that we did our job by giving our kids the roots and wings they need; even if I admittedly still yearn for more time together in our nest.

This seems to be a transition that I am not naturally embracing as well as I should. Intellectually, of course I get it; emotionally too, because nothing is more fulfilling than seeing my people exactly where they should be; it is the connection between my brain, heart and mouth that seem to be the disconnect. Calling my 23-year-old son Jake in the middle of a work day to discuss the latest innocuous thing that popped into my mind is viewed as being oblivious to his demanding schedule; in reality, I just miss him and hearing his voice at that moment made me smile. Or, when I was helping my almost 20-year-old daughter Dylan pack for an upcoming vacation and as we were going through her piles, I got to a specific outfit and made the grave error of saying, “you will wear this to the beach club.” She looked at me like I had lost my mind and returned to the days of preschool when I picked out her outfits, or tried to, because she wasn’t so interested in my direction at age four either. In my mind, it was nothing more than a suggestion to utilize a specific occasion for the skirt. And, in her mind, it was a dictum from an overly controlling mother. To be fair, it was probably both.

In twenty years, won’t that mama turtle want to offer advice to her baby turtles too? Of course she will. And somewhere along the way, while the turtle is navigating the ocean for themselves, it’s unclear when our children want to be completely independent, or when they still want some assistance from their mom. But, my inability to comfortably let go definitely causes undesired friction. So, I’m taking this moment of reflection as we head into 2025 and I am committing to step back, offer less advice (aka direction) and visualize the baby turtles entering the ocean to explore the world as a reminder that my own babies are navigating the waves just fine too. Deep sigh.

And just when my kids need me less, and I need to recalibrate that, it seems that my mother needs me more. Not by her choice because she’s incredibly independent, but she’s had an unfathomable two years since losing my dad. Numerous health setbacks have prompted me to worry about her in what feels like a role reversal. The sandwich generation is a real thing. But, I’m not her parent, so it’s an interesting dynamic at times. A red-headed rebel makes her even less interested in my “suggestions” than my own children!

I recently recounted a hilarious (and baffling) interaction with my mother to my best friend Ilene. The exchange was related to her dog; let’s just say my mom is very relaxed with rules and schedules…and I am most definitely NOT! It was at this moment that Ilene reminded me about Mel Robbins, the motivational speaker and bestselling author, and her “Let them” theory. I had read about it when the book was released, but I didn’t realize how very relevant it is to my life at this exact moment.

This reframing of my behavior is critically important. I see now how my interest and engagement in my kids’ lives needs to be executed differently than my natural inclination to be a little too “helicoptery.” And, my desire to support my mother can’t be in the form of parenting her either. In Robbins’ theory the main “aha” moment is that worrying about people and stressing over their behaviors—things that I have absolutely no control over or need to have control over—causes unnecessary emotional and mental distress. Rather, just “Let them.” It’s a more insightful way of saying, just let go! Let them (insert anything I’ve previously tried to control/advise/manage).

This will not be easy. It requires a willingness to detach, step back and say less—nothing that is natural for me! But, I need to challenge myself to work hard to embrace Mel Robbins’ perspective. I’m going to keep an ongoing list of the times I choose to say “Let them…” rather than insert my narrative.

And so it goes…all of this is within reason. I am still a Jewish mother. But, I am curious to see the impact on my own stress levels if I can actually do it. Historically, in my mind managing my own stress was directly correlated to managing the lives of those around me. But, my type A personality doesn’t seem to be useful in this current phase of parenthood and daughter-ing!

I’m not saying this is a New Year’s resolution because those fall off by the second week in January. I’m using the start of 2025 as an opportunity to metaphorically turn the chapter in my own story. Anyone want to join me?

Wishing everyone a healthy, happy, productive and peaceful year ahead. Xo